Birth Mom Missions

How does one put into words their most sacred and tender emotions? I am not sure it can ever truly be accomplished but I will make an effort. I LOVE my son! It was this love for him that brought me to the ultimate outcome for him. My situation is so similar and yet so different from many I encounter. The journey of my son's life began when I had met a man I knew I wanted to marry. We had different beliefs, values and morals, which eventually led to a lot of compromise. I naively believed it would work itself out; that there would be a change. Change came but not in the way I expected. I knew I was pregnant before any test could be taken, I felt like I had eaten too much candy, and the feeling never went away. When a test confirmed what I already knew, the man I loved and I discussed many options. We had made a decision and set an appointment, as I arrived and waited for my turn, I knew in my heart this was not the decision for me. I had created a life, and terminating this innocent child's chances was something I could not bring myself to do. I have never been so scared. In one hand, I knew that walking out of that clinic would cause my child's father to leave, and there would be a lot of anger, pain and embarrassment as my situation would become obvious to the outside world. The other hand looked so much more appealing; no one would ever have to know, I would not gain weight, there would be no embarrassments, no disappointments. As I sat there weighing my options, I prayed. Now, I am not a churchy type of person, but I knew I needed help. It became all to clear to me, terminating this pregnancy was selfish of me. Why should this innocent child pay for my mistakes? After all, I knew that pregnancy was a possibility given my actions, although I did not think it would happen to me. I closed my tear filled eyes and thought about it. In that moment the most beautiful picture came to my mind, I was facing a little boy about the age of 2 holding a bottle of milk. He was looking to me, with love in his eyes, for direction. He was looking at me the way a child looks at his mother. At that moment I understood the real weight of my actions. I loved this child growing inside of my belly and I needed to put my son’s life above my own selfish desires and walked out of that clinic. Subsequently, I lost the man I love. The next few months were devastating. I had spoken with a few friends and had tried to keep things under wraps. Adoption had never crossed my mind until another prayer was uttered. I was overwhelmed with the reality of my situation. It was going to be just me, where do I live, how do I finish college, what do I do about day care, how is my child going to know me if I am never around? What kind of life am I providing for this child? Another plea went to the heavens, and an unusual answer came back. “You will have the strength to accomplish the Lord’s will”. What does that mean? As I studied that answer I started thinking of things in my life I wanted for my son. I knew in my heart how I had always dreamed of raising a family. Staying at home and teaching them to tie their shoes, and cutting their sandwiched in quarters, and dancing around our home. None of those were going to be accomplished here. Adoption then flashed into my head and a most violent reaction most certainly followed. “That is not happening. This is MY child! No one can love my child the way I can. No one will understand the bond that is developing, nor can it be duplicated. Absolutely not happening!” I then called my friend Amanda (who by the way started this website), and told her of all the recent events. Through the tears she comforted me, telling me maybe adoption was not the option for me, but her advice was to thoroughly understand all my options. She then gave me a website to look at. It was the adoption agency she used. I must have stayed up all night critiquing all the couples on the numerous pages. I kept thinking how could I ever let my child go? I allowed myself to consider the options, as advised, and filtered the profiles by criteria I would want for my child. I unmistakable came back to the same profile with each search. At first, I would never allow myself to look at their profile, because I did not like their picture. As the night ebbed on and I continually looked through profiles, I finally broke and read their profile. My heart broke as I read it, this was the confirmation I did not want!! I felt in my heart that this was the right option, but I did not want to do it! Many hours were spent in prayer arguing with the Lord. There has to be another way!! Please, don’t make me go through this. PLEASE!! I told the birth father what I had decided. Finally I let go of my dreams of marrying the father and notified the couple. We started talking and my prayers started to change. I was no longer pleading “don’t make me go through this!”, but was asking “why this was the best thing for my son?” During the following months I went back and forth with my decision and my relationship with the birth father. I explained my this to the couple and they understood and told me to take time to make sure this was the option I wanted.  I once again decided to pray, as I poured out my soul to my Savior, delivering the hopes and desires of my heart, there came an understanding I could not refuse. I knew what I had always known, this couple could provide where I simply could not. It wasn't about providing earthly possessions, because I knew friends and family from both sides would assist. It wasn't about how hard I would have to work to finish school and provide a means for my child, because I wanted to create a life for us. It was about Love. I LOVE my son and wanted a family and home united in Christ for him. I could not provide him that security. Nor could I provide a home as a sanctuary. Since I have not lived my life in accordance with Christ’s teachings, who was I to teach my son? Here was a couple who had their relationship survive an intimate and privately born devastation. No matter their efforts they would need someone else to provide what they desperately yearned for. They are two people whom made a home and a life together, centered in Christ. She is a mother who desires to stay at home and raise her children. They could provide what I truly wanted for my son, the hardest part was knowing I could not, and would have to let him go.  I had told my parents and the birth father, and met a lot of negativity. I was accused of; running away from the responsibility, coming to this conclusion out of malice for the brith father, and not loving my son! I found myself meeting all those accusations with questions like: “what kind of life would this be for my son? Who would he grow up knowing? Who would he become?” I dreaded the idea of letting my son go just as much as ever before, but the only time I had peace was when I thought about what my son stood to gain. When I put his life before mine, then I had peace. Eventually I had made my final decision and let the couple know that I would be placing my son into their home.  The birth father signed the release after much pleading.  When my son was born, it was just me, my son and the birth father for those two days, and I we were a family. The adoptive couple was wonderful at giving us the time we needed to make peace with this decision.  I will not pretend that all was well after the placement. There are not words to describe what I endured. Everything was black and dead to me. I would lay in bed all day crying. I was letting that part of my die. It felt wrong and unnatural, like something was missing. It felt like my life had ended and I would never know anything good again. Over time, little by little I started to heal and come around. I noticed I felt better as I saw my son and his new parents, as I got emails, phone calls and pictures. They even started a blog, just for me and the birth father. The best part was seeing him when he was 6 months old. When I saw them I was all tears and they handed me my son saying “Here is your mommy”.  They truly understand how hard it was for me to let him go, and have not, nor will not ever deny me any opportunity to know him. The adoptive mom said it best when she said he is going to grow up with two mommies and who daddies that love him. He will never have to question if he is loved.  My son is 8 months old and I have NEVER regretted my decision. This was truly the best decision for my son. I will leave you now with my two of favorite quotes…”What is best for you, is hardest for me.” “Great love is built on Great sacrifice. 

Sincerely,
Alysha

You may email Alysha with questions, directly at alysha@adoptiontheotheroption.com

My name is Amanda, and I placed my son for adoption in 2005.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was engaged.  Life seemed to be taking its place in the way I wanted it to.  I told my mom I was pregnant, and not even a week later, I found out that that man I loved wasn't the man I thought he was ( a lot of lies and deception).  So, I called off the wedding immediately.  I still hadn't told my dad I was pregnant, and was terrified to do so.  To my amazement, he was very loving and understanding.   My mom sat me down and said that our church recommends adoption when marriage isn't possible.  The second she said it, I knew  that was what I wanted to do.  I had no question in my mind that I was going to do what was best for my baby, no matter how much it hurt me.  At that point I decided that I didn't want to see my baby, or know what I was having, and just make it a "clean break". 

I wasn't living in the same state as my parents when this all happened.  I had to break the news to my siblings, and when I did so,  my sister and brother-in-law immediatley offered to let me live with them through the pregnancy.  My sister had 2 daughters under the age of 5 and soon after I moved in, she found out she was pregnant as well.  For me this was hard, being pregnant, not married, and being an example to my neices I never wanted to be.  Things had an order, and the kids understood that I didn't follow it.  I received tons of questions, and it was hard to explain it in a way that they would understand and know that this isn't the kind of path they would want to follow.

A few weeks after I moved back home, I went to LDS Family Services, where I met with a social worker who was a license and trained therapist.  I told her I'd already made my decision.  She said not to make my mind up so quickly and to make sure I'd considered all my options (parenting, marriage, adoption).  I then repeated, I'd made my decision and I won't change my mind and that I wanted a closed adoption (no contact).  She proceeded to tell me I may change my mind on that as well.  She referred me to look at couples on their website, www.itsaboutlove.org and so I did.  I couldn't believe how many couples I found that couldn't have children and had been trying for so many years.  It confirmed to me that I was doing the right thing.

Over the course of my pregnancy I would meet with my social worker once a week at their offices.  We discussed my pregnancy, how I was feeling emotionally, physically, spiritually.  Luckily for me, there was a group of girls that had either just placed or were about to place.  We had group every week.  We were able to discuss all the different aspects of the placement process.  The different steps of emotion (very painful emotion) that you go through was the most beneficial for me.  I decided after hearing these girls talk that I wasn't going to refer to my baby as mine.  I always referred to him as baby or their baby.  It really helped me feel at peace with my decision.

Throughout this process, I had to keep communication with the birth father.  He was okay with the placement of adoption as long as I kept this contact and let him believe there was a chance we'd get back together.  I went to the doctors for the first time (around 4 months along), and I was able to have an ultra-sound on my first visit where I found out I was having a boy.  The birth father helped me pick a couple, he met with a social worker of his own through the same offices, so he knew what the proceedure would be.  Before I could place my baby, he would have to sign his parental rights away, and this proved to be a difficult task for a few months, but eventually he did so.  Once we notified the couple that they had been chosen, we met.  I decided to meet them before a doctors appointement so they could join me.  My couple couldn't have children of their own, so I wanted to make sure they had every experience of child birth that I could possibly provide.  My doctor was suprised by my decision, but offered to do an extra ultra-sound the following month so the couple could see and receive a recorded video of the ultra-sound.  Over the next few months I kept in contact with the adoptive parents through email.  I updated them on little things that were going on in my life, but mostly about the pregnancy and any funny things that happened with that.  Doing this allowed me to accept them as the parents.  I felt a bond, and family bond, that really helped me emotionally deal with my decision.  We'd discussed different views of parenting, names, how open we wanted the adoption to be, etc.  To my suprise, I was changing my mind, I wanted to know them, to know my baby, so we decided to have an open adoption.  I recieved letters every week for the first 2 months, and once a month after that for the first year.  After that it would be whatever we worked out between the 3 of us.

When the time came for me to have them baby, I had my social worker contact the adoptive parents to come to the hospital immediately.  I wanted them their for the birth.  I wanted my sons mom to experience the birth of her first born.  She helped me push, gave kind words of encouragement and she was truly amazing.  The dad of course only got to hear all of this from behind a curtain.  There was no way I was going to let him see all that!  After 5 failed attempts to insert an IV, 2 epiderals (1 failed) and 2 hours of pushing (10 hour labor), my son was born.  8lbs8oz and 19.5 in long.  He was beautiful!  Right after he was out, the nurse took him to his station where his adpoptive dad (with his back to me) was able to help clean him up, cut the cord, and put the first diaper on.  I watch them and was so happy.  They were in tears, and were chatting with me about how perfect he was.  Once I was all patched up, his mom brought him over to me.  I didn't want to hold him, I just wanted to watch her hold him.  I wanted to see how they interacted as parents.  I made sure that my sons mom had a parent bacelet so she could take him to and from the nursery.  They stayed by my side the 2 days I was in the hospital.  I was able to watch them and visit with them, truly get to know them in person.  We gawked at our perfect baby and knew nothing was more precious.  (Various people came to visit me and the majority of my family too, it felt really natural)

The morning of my release from the hospital, I decided to get up before visiting hours to go get my son for some one on one (I hadn't had any one on one yet).  I wanted to tell him myself why I was placing him into the arms of another to be raised.  My sweet little boy was so cute, and perfectly pink (great skin!).  I picked him up and kissed his face and told him how much I loved him.  I knew that his parents were going to do great, better than I could.  I knew that he would be provided for in a way that I couldn't, not just financially, but in other ways.  He would have a father that would actually be there for him, teach him and help mold his precious life. 

After about an hour of holding him and talking to him, his parents came and it was almost time for discharge.  His parents brought me a "leaving the hospital" gift that came in handy (the clothes I brought didn't fit).  I had to complete some paperwork for his release from the hospital and we all wheeled out together.  My dad and my brother with his family were there to meet us.  We took a family photo, made some small talk and then it was time to say goodbye.  I held my son as we walked to the car.  I hugged him one more time and gave him a big kiss, smiled through my tears and placed him into his mother's arms.  His parents both hugged me hard, and kissed me.  They knew how hard this was for me and were very compassionate. 

After they were gone, I had to sign my own parental rights away and did so right outside the hospital.  I went home with my dad, and my mom was waiting.  At that moment, I felt empty.  I came home with nothing to show for what I'd just experienced.  I held out my arms to my mom (showing her I had nothing), she cried and said "I know" and held me.  Over the next few months, life was really, really hard.  I kept a good face most of the time, but I was hurting inside.  It probably took a little over a year until I was doing pretty good.  

I have a great relationship with my son's parents.  We talk often, share pictures, stories and visit once a year.  I've met most of the extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents).  I truly feel part of the family.  I went from wanting nothing more than to just place my baby, to having an extended family.  I'm in love with my son!  He amazes me everyday.  His parents amaze me everyday!  My decision to place my son for adoption has truly blessed my son, his parents, and ME! 

Sincerely,
Amanda

You may email Amanda directly with any questions at amanda@adoptiontheotheroption.com